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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24890614">Ruthless Calculus</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedirangerpenguin/pseuds/jedirangerpenguin'>jedirangerpenguin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:15:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,260</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24890614</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedirangerpenguin/pseuds/jedirangerpenguin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Garrus had wondered what it would take to get Shepard to crack, but he never expected her to shatter. </p><p>Little ficlet about some post-Virmire Emotions, featuring various stages of Shakarian</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garrus sank onto a crate near the Mako. That mission had been... he didn’t want to think about it. Instead he pulled out his rifle and set to work inspecting, cleaning, and maintaining it. It was easy to fall into the practiced motion as faint voices echoed indistinctly around the room. He could have made out the words if he’d wanted to, but he didn’t.</p>
<p>He wasn’t sure how long he’d been there when a new, much louder voice appeared.</p>
<p>“I don’t give a damn about your respect!”</p>
<p>The voice reverberated off the walls, shaking Garrus out of his stupor. He looked up from his gun to see Shepard screaming in Captain Kirrahe’s face. </p>
<p>“My lieutenant is dead, and for what?! He was a better soldier than all of you put together! Explain to me why he had to die when-“</p>
<p>Garrus quickly set his gun down and crossed the room. Captain Kirrahe was unfazed by the emotional display in front of him. “It’s always hard, losing someone under your command,” he said, voice calm and compassionate. “Lieutenant Alenko was a good soldier, and did his job well. My men will remember him.”</p>
<p>“Screw you,” Shepard spat. “If we didn’t have bigger problems-“</p>
<p>“Commander.” Garrus lightly placed a hand on her back. “You’re needed on the deck.” Shepard hesitated, giving Garrus a chance to address Kirrahe. “My apologies, Captain,” he said, trying to act as if pulling Shepard away was an inconvenience. Kirrahe simply nodded. </p>
<p>Garrus kept a hand on Shepard’s back and steered her toward the elevator. He wasn’t sure what he’d planned to do if she resisted, but she went along without complaint. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Silence filled the elevator ride up, and the short walk to the CO’s office. It wasn’t until they were in the room that Shepard pulled away from his hand. Garrus quickly hit the button to close the door. He turned around to find her bent over the desk, gripping the edge til her knuckles turned white, and sobbing. </p>
<p>Tears weren’t something he’d quite been prepared for. The silence continued as Garrus tried to find words, but Shepard spoke first. </p>
<p>“I’m gonna kill that bastard.”</p>
<p>Garrus hesitated. He wouldn’t normally tempt fate by disagreeing with Shepard when she was angry, but Kirrahe was a good man. “The Captain-“</p>
<p>“Not him. Saren.”</p>
<p>“Good.” Garrus crossed over to stand beside her. “Shepard... I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“<em>Why</em>.” </p>
<p>All the weeks under her command, all the hard decisions, and Garrus had never seen Shepard so much as blink. He’d privately wondered how much pressure it would take to get her to crack. </p>
<p>But he’d never expected her to shatter. </p>
<p>The tears were falling hard and fast onto the desk. “He could have been so much,” Shepard said, voice shaking so badly Garrus could barely make out her words. “He was <em>always there</em>. How am I supposed to do this without...”</p>
<p>“Your best friend.”</p>
<p>Shepard slumped into the chair and let her head fall back. “Why can’t I ever see it until it’s too fucking late?”</p>
<p>“Shepard.” It took a near minute of silence to get Shepard to raise her head and look at him. “Kaidan may be gone, but this isn’t over. He did his part. Don’t let his death be for nothing. Get your ass up out of that chair, and let’s go kill Saren. Once and for all.”</p>
<p>Shepard stared at him for a good thirty seconds before roughly wiping the tears off her face. “You always make a habit of talking to your superiors like this?” she asked as she stood. </p>
<p>“Only the good ones, Commander.”</p>
<p>“Well, time to put your money where your mouth is, Vakarian. We’ve got a Spectre to kill.”</p>
<p>Garrus cracked a faint smile. “Right behind you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In the heat of the Reaper war, with hard decisions at every turn, Shepard gets hit with doubts over Virmire again. Luckily, her boyfriend is Archangel.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Definitely didn't think I'd be adding to this! The original ficlet was a 1 a.m. impulse post lol. But when one (1) person (and later 2) expressed slight interest in a follow-up or more Shakarian, I decided to go back through my outlines and clean this up a bit. I hope it lives up! Thank you for all the support on this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hackett... out.”</p>
<p>Shepard cut the vidcon. The unusual twinge in her gut was accompanied by a terrible twinge in her back. The back of her head was also burning a bit. Come to think of it, there really wasn’t a single part of her body that <em>didn’t</em> hurt. It would probably be good to go see Chakwas; she had just tangled with both a Reaper and a thresher maw, after all. </p>
<p>She made her way to the elevator with Hackett’s comment about losing salarian support still ringing in her brain. Hackett was tough, and a busy man, and under a lot of pressure, but she’d never heard him use a tone like that. And the way he’d ended the call... She knew that curing the genophage had been the right moral choice. She’d never doubted it. But after Hackett’s response, she couldn’t help questioning if she’d made the right choice for the war. The krogan deserved the cure, but could the fate of the galaxy afford to-</p>
<p>The elevator opened and Shepard came face-to-face with the memorial wall. </p>
<p>As always, her gaze landed immediately on Kaidan’s name. The familiar punch to the gut was accompanied by a clenching in her chest this time. Kaidan... he would have known what to do. He would have known if she’d made the right call. He could have helped her <em>make</em> the decision.</p>
<p>He could have turned the tide in this damn war.</p>
<p>Shepard swiveled to the left and bypassed the med bay in favor of heading straight back to the battery. </p>
<p>“Hey, Shepard,” Garrus said as she entered. He turned with a smile, one that dropped a bit at her expression. “You okay?”</p>
<p>Shepard shook her head. She was too overwhelmed to look directly at him, but she could see him assessing her expression out of the corner of her eye.</p>
<p>“Is it the wall?” he asked, almost immediately.</p>
<p>“Get out of my head, Garrus,” she teased halfheartedly. </p>
<p>Garrus tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “Kaidan again?”</p>
<p>Her jaw clenched at the gentle action and she nodded, looking at the floor. She hadn’t cried since right after Virmire, and she’d be damned if she was going to cry now. She kept hoping Garrus would speak so she could get her voice under control, but she should have known better. She could feel his eyes on her as he patiently waited her out.</p>
<p>“Every day, this gets worse,” she finally said, faintly. “And every time it gets worse, I think how badly I want him here. And Ash... she’s great, she’s strong, I’m glad she made it, but... I need Kaidan here. Did I make a mistake?”</p>
<p>Garrus didn’t respond to the last part, most likely because he knew there wasn’t an answer that could satisfy her. Instead he let his hand drift to comfortingly cup the back of her head.</p>
<p>“I know it’s hard on you, not having him here,” he said softly. “I know how much he helped you back in the day. But like I said before...”</p>
<p>Shepard closed her eyes and let her head tilt into his hand. “You go to war with the army you have. Yeah.”</p>
<p>She felt Garrus draw her a little closer. “And like I also said before, Kaidan knew what he was getting into. <em>Don’t</em> let your regrets waste his sacrifice.”</p>
<p>Shepard gave a heavy exhale. He was right. He was <em>always</em> right. And that was comforting. “You do always know what to say.”</p>
<p>She heard amusement in his voice. “I’ve got about three tricks when it comes to talking, Shepard. Luckily they all seem to work for you.”</p>
<p>Shepard’s eyes opened and she looked up at him with a faint smile. “Yeah? What’s the third one, then?” she asked. </p>
<p>Garrus smiled back. “Guess you’ll have to wait and find out.”</p>
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